You’ve probably heard the advice ‘Be self-compassionate’ before, but what does that really mean? How do you become self-compassionate? In this blog, we will examine this concept in 3 divided sections: 1) What is self-compassion?,
2) Self-compassion vs. self-pity and 3) How to become self-compassionate.
Let’s begin.
1. What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is the active act of being understanding, loving and kind towards oneself. Living in today’s chaotic and fast-paced world, we all operate under constant pressure to conform and meet the expectations of society. As a result, we end up being very self-critical. No matter how hard we work, we feel like we need to do even more, or be “better” in some way.
But the truth is that we really don’t need to do anything. We are not obligated to meet society's standards of what we SHOULD be or do. Our job on earth is simply to live, or better yet, let life live through us. Writer and spiritual teacher Alan Watts once said, “everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”
When we let go of these strict, artificial expectations and are compassionate towards our true authentic selves instead, we will naturally and automatically grow to our full potential. Life is a force that will persistently perpetuate itself regardless of the obstacles in the way.
Take a plant for example. When a plant has enough water and sunlight to match its needs, it will grow tall. But if the plant is moved away from the sun, it will start to grow in whichever direction it can catch the most light. If the plant is deprived of its needs for too long, it will begin to wither away. Now if that same dying plant is moved back into the sunlight, it will pick up where it left off and start growing up again until it eventually blooms into its full potential flower.
This concept holds true for all life. We simply need to remove all the resistance to our growth, and life will take care of the rest. No matter how depressed, anxious, sick or “crazy” we may feel, we always have the instinctual ability to live and reach our potential.
Our full potential doesn’t always mean having a great job, making lots of money, having a perfect family or anything else of the sort that you may have been led to believe. We all have our own unique life paths and the end result looks very different for each of us. It can even look different for the same individual depending on the time and context. For some, working hard and succeeding at a corporate job is what is most fulfilling. For others, it may feel more authentic to be a stay at home mother. Some may feel most at peace when tending a garden or cleaning up the ocean or creating art or simply just being connected to nature. Knowing that life naturally takes care of itself, we can be fun and creative along the way.
At the end of the day, reaching our full potential means finding a balance that meets our own specific needs. Why let others decide for you what makes YOUR life worthwhile?
Self-compassion begins with understanding our true innate value. Our worth is not the amount of money in our bank account or the number of books we’ve read. It is not the number of followers on social media or the collection of trophies on display. Regardless of our paths, we are all equally worthy and identically valuable.
2. Self-compassion is not self-pity.
A common question I hear is ‘Won’t I just become lazy?’ No, self-compassion does not mean being lazy. Being self-compassionate does not mean allowing ourselves to regress back to our old vices. That is self-pity.
Here are some examples to illustrate the difference.
Self-compassion is catching up on sleep and resting the mind and body.
Self-pity is allowing yourself to stay in bed all day for weeks.
Self-compassion is getting up early to go for a run.
Self-pity is over-exercising until you reach an ideal weight.
Self-compassion is engaging in pleasurable activities regularly.
Self-pity is indulging in pleasurable pursuits all the time without balance.
Self-compassion is being okay with not having everything figured out and trusting that you are on the right path.
Self-pity is being disappointed with yourself and living with regrets.
Self-compassion is being open to the many ways you can blossom into your full potential.
Self-pity is having a rigid, strict “ideal” version of your future self.
Self-compassion is reframing failures as detours or a re-direction of your path.
Self-pity is writing off your future based on your so-called “failures” or “flaws”.
Self-compassion allows opportunity for healing.
Self-pity sabotages the chance for future growth.
Self-compassion is taking the path of least resistance without guilt when it aligns with your true nature. But it can also be doing the difficult things now as a way of investing in your future self. It is loving yourself enough to put in the hard work, and respecting yourself enough to not push too hard.
3. How do I become more self-compassionate?
To become self-compassionate, we must reform our relationship with ourselves.
When feeling down, we may have a tendency to become pessimistic or catastrophic. Self-compassion means accepting negative emotions and behaviours as normal. Acknowledge that all our emotions are signals of our inner state. Recognize that all our behaviours started off as adaptive. That is, all behaviours including ones that are now "maladaptive" had a purpose in the beginning and helped us survive at one point.* (More on this in future posts.)
Here are some ways we can reframe our experiences in more compassionate ways:
If you are depressed, it does not mean that you’re defective. It means that you have veered off the path of achieving what is most fulfilling to you, or that you have temporarily lost balance. It is your mind, body and spirit’s way of telling you to slow down, take a step back and re-evaluate.
If you are anxious, embrace what it feels like to be uncertain. With uncertainty, comes a world of possibilities. It’s uncomfortable because it’s supposed to be.
If little stressors overwhelm you, it does not mean that you are weak. It means that you are reacting to something from the past. It could even be a reaction to something that is completely hidden from your present awareness. Revisit your past and get to know your inner child. Be kind and understanding with yourself when past traumas are re-triggered.
Listen to your body and honour its needs. If it’s tired, rest. If it’s restless, move. If it’s in pain, give it attention. If it’s deprived, feed it nutrients.
Stop insulting yourself and speak kindly. Become your own biggest fan. Remove the word “should” from your vocabulary. Talk to yourself with love and patience, as you would a sweet, young child.
Comparison is a guaranteed route into depression. If you find you are comparing yourself to others, or even to yourself at a different age, weight, job, etc., STOP. Instead, ask : What is the purpose of comparing? It may be to reinforce a false belief that you are not good enough. This is a convenient belief that keeps you from going after your dreams. When we decide we cannot do something, it lets us off the hook from even trying. It allows us to avoid the inevitable fear of the unknown, and provides excuses from taking chances. Self-compassion is recognizing that we all have different life paths because we all have different resources available to us. It is what we do with what we have that really matters.
Guilt can be healthy or unhealthy. Learn the difference. Healthy guilt means we feel bad about our behaviour because it was negative or damaging in some way. We become motivated to correct the behaviour in order to stop the painful feeling of guilt. Unhealthy guilt, on the other hand, comes from unrealistically high expectations that we fail to meet. Instead of motivating us towards behaviour change, it often immobilizes us into shame. Nothing good comes from holding onto unhealthy guilt. Next time you feel guilty, identify if it is healthy or unhealthy. If it is unhealthy, acknowledge it and rather than feel bad, celebrate it! Welcome the emotion and act as if it is a great gift. It means that you respected your own limits instead of chasing perfection. That’s why you feel guilty. So feel the guilt but be happy about it. You’ll soon watch it disappear. Don’t dwell in the guilt and let it take over.
Live your life backwards. Imagine you are on your deathbed. As you reflect back on your life, how do you feel? Do you feel grateful, proud, accomplished, blessed? Or do you feel regretful, sad, resentful and guilty? If you could write your story from this moment to your deathbed, how would you want to remember it? The worse off your situation seems currently, the greater the opportunity to make your life story one of epic comeback, resilience and triumph. Don’t pass on this incredible once-in-a-lifetime shot.
Being self-compassionate is choosing not to judge. It is being kind and gentle and soft. Instead of blaming yourself for feeling bad, nurture yourself back to wellness. Positive reinforcement motivates change far more effectively than punishment. Welcome all the negative emotions and recognize that this is your soul trying to re-direct and guide you back to your path.
Appreciate yourself for where you are today. It is exactly where you are meant to be.
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